Thanks

Thanks....Gratitude or aversion?
I say it a lot and I always mean it, but to be honest, I never knew I meant it in which way? Come'on, doesn't "Thank you" have two meanings? May be more and I haven't realized it yet, don't you agree?
I realized its second meaning when I lost living, when I lost the five senses, when I lost the aim of breathing, when I felt my uselessness. When people offered me much; multiple lifebuoys, many ventilators, additive limbs, and I'm still surviving in my coma, determinate to stay like that till death knocks my soul down. Still my conscience is alive telling me that I should say "Thanks", but this time not out of gratitude, it is out of aversion. "Thanks" is switched from the tenderest word to a cancer-like structure, when it means "Stop giving, I've decided to commit the worst. Stop caring, I've killed my humanity.Why now does your angelic side shine on me? Where was it when all what was left for me is a devil as a company?" Oh no! That flip of "Thanks" from being its meaning "I understand your sacrifice and I respect it. I confess it is a debt I'll work hard to pay it back. I'll remember you in each prayer for saving this critical state of mine. You'll be always the closest to my heart for having my back." to "I don't need your heroic act. Please, stop being around. Thanks for what you've done for me but don't give me again, I am turning to a thankless creature and I don't wanna hurt you."

Please, let's have some clarity of mind. Why would we waste hours of our lives, the whole world count us as living things and we're doing nothing like a dead body, then we call it "Depression"? Why do we look at depression as an illness which we didn't share in its causes to occur? Depression is stimulated by our hopelessness while we are surrounded with people who love us; even if you're friendless, you still have your parents; even if you're an orphan, you still have your role models; even if you're surrounded by losers, you have God to depend on and He will never let you down.

So, whenever you'll find yourself using "Thanks" with its second meaning, give yourself a wake-up slap, tell yourself no place for hopelessness, depression is mythical, I've God to provide me strength, so I'll always be a winner. 

Sinner's First Prayer

  He walks to the sink. He opens the tap and watches the water flows. He let the water passes between his fingers, feeling its cold stream, his eyes are piercing its purity. His mind is working as if he is accomplishing a daily habit while, his soul feels, a new phenomenon is occurring. His wading is done and he finally feels his exhale, he touches things thoroughly like he had been dead before. He sees his father by the corridor and trying to hide his joyful giggle that his father guaranteed him before to find it if he simply got his prayers done. Here he goes to his room and looks at the mirror. His eyes are wide open. His thoughts: "Is this me? I've a good looking! Haha. Serious! This is me? As if I lost useless hours caring about my look and wondered how everybody sees me looking good except me. I was the only one feeling disgust when I look at myself in the mirror. Now I realized that my eyes penetrates my appearance and get into my inner hidden feeling of guilt to reflect."
  He turns around to get ready for the prayer but he posed a second for a moment, he is looking back to an empty space but it resembles for him the past he left. The past, he regrets letting go with its heavy burdens of sins, wasted hours of confusion -while the answer was there- & its wrong arguments about the route of happiness -which he thought it's main theme is being numb and wasting-. He let go of the past without any beam of pride in there. He looks right ahead, in front of him "It is a new start. Today is tomorrow's past. When I will look back like I've just done, I'd have added this bright spiritual moment."
  Is his body vibrating or the earth is shaking? He stands there saying "Allah Akbar" with a voice he could hear while others can't. He has that feeling of shame how couldn't he make this loud "Allah Akbar" as the usual thing to hear at his house from a son like him? How could he make it phenomenal to be heard by his own voice as if he was an atheist living along with the family? Just how?!
  Look! He's standing still right now. His body made it clear "My power is returned". The first second he was like broken rotten flower, now he stands upright like a Greek warrior. His eyes are tearing with a vibrating smile on his face. His soul is flooding waves of contradictory feelings. His guts are relaxing as if they were tied. "Allah Akbar" now he is in his Ruku'. He gives a breath of relief, his burdens on his shoulder, those rocks of sins have just fallen off and broke to pieces. His breath, that untamed lion, has just found his restful lullaby. Once his head touches the ground during his Sujud, he feels the two worn out halves of his head got healed.
  Now, he is done but he wants to get to that peaceful world once more. Would he keep this his lifestyle or he will lay this person in formalin till he gets lost once more and gets his body out to study some facts and get into reality?